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Friday, November 27, 2015

Los Alamos National Laboratory Memo

To: All staff, Los Alamos National Laboratory

From: Secretary of Energy

Dear staff members:

Due to an unfortunate overreaction by the Congress to our minor difficulties in the security area, we’re being forced to tighten up just a bit.

Effective Monday:

  1. The brown paper bag in which we store the computer disk drives that contain the nation’s nuclear secrets will no longer be left on the picnic table at the staff commissary during lunch hour. It will be stored in "the vault." I know this is an inconvenience to many of you, but it’s a sad sign of the times.
  2. The three-letter security code for accessing "the vault" will no longer be "B-O-B." To confuse would-be spies, that security code will be reversed. Please don’t tell anybody.
  3. Visiting scientists and graduate students from Libya, North Korea and mainland China will no longer be allowed to wander the hallways without proper identification. Beginning Monday, they will be required to wear a stick-on lapel tag that clearly states, "Hello, My Name Is... " The stickers will be available at the front desk.
  4. The computer network used for scientific calculations will no longer be hyper-linked via the Internet to such web sites as www.alqaeda.com, www.swedechicks.com, or www.hackers-r-us.com. Links to all Disney sites will be maintained, however.
  5. Researchers bearing a security clearance of Level 5 and higher will no longer be permitted to exchange updates on their work be posting advanced-physics formulas on the men’s room walls.
  6. On "Bowling Night," please check your briefcases and laptop computers at the front counter of the Bowl-a-Drome instead of leaving them in the cloakroom. Mr. Badonov, the front-counter supervisor, has promised to "keep un eye on zem" for us.
  7. Staff members will no longer be allowed to take home small amounts of plutonium, iridium or uranium for use in those "little weekend projects around the house." That includes you parents who are helping the kids with their science fair projects.
  8. Thermonuclear devices may no longer be checked out for "recreational use." We’ve not yet decided if exceptions will be made for Halloween, the Fourth of July or New Year’s Eve. We’ll keep you posted.
  9. Employees may no longer "borrow" the AA batteries from the security system controls to power their Game Boys and compact-disc players during working hours.
  10. And, finally, when reporting for work each day, all employees must enter through the front door. Raoul, the janitor, will no longer admit employees who tap three times on the side door to avoid clocking in late. I know this crackdown might seem punitive and oppressive to many of you, but it is our sworn duty to protect the valuable national secrets that have been entrusted to our care.

Remember: Security isn’t a part-time job-it’s an imperative – all 37 1/2 hours of the week!



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